


Track 4

by nameless_wanderer



Series: A Worthy Explanation [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Jared is an emotional asshole, M/M, prequel to A Worthy Explanation, rather short angst, takes place on the first day of school
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 19:16:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13464795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nameless_wanderer/pseuds/nameless_wanderer
Summary: There is a song that Jared listens to to fall asleep. He loves this song. And he hates it. Because Jared hates everything about his life. Except for Evan Hansen. And this song reminds him about how he feels about Evan Hansen.~~~Jared-centric AWE Prequel, short angst, but in the context of AWE, it works out so





	Track 4

Jared hated most everything about his current life. He hated that he'd gone to camp. He hated that he'd avoided his friends once he was there. He hated the weird feeling he got when he'd won capture the flag. He hated that camp ended so soon. He hated that he didn't live near any of his camp friends. He hated that he had nothing to do for summer after camp. He hated that summer was just about over. He hated that school started tomorrow. He hated that he was going to be a senior. He hated his peers, and hated that he'd be forced to interact with them. He hated that he already had to work on college applications. He hated that he was staying up so late tonight.

But more than anything at that very moment, Jared hated his sleep playlists. He hated that he needed music to fall asleep. He hated that he needed more than one playlist depending on his current emotional state. As good as the music was, he hated some of the songs because of how they made him feel.

Specifically, he hated the song he was currently listening to. It was a song by a British songwriter, Lauren Aquilina, off her debut EP, _Fools_. Track 4. "Wonder." He hated how relevant some of the lyrics were at this moment in time.

> _I can't control my feelings_
> 
> _I can't control my thoughts_
> 
> _I'm staring at the ceiling_
> 
> _Wondering how I got so caught_

Because that song reminded him that there was one thing in his life that he didn't hate, and he hated himself because of how he felt about that thing. That person. As he felt his eyelids grow heavier, he silently begged his brain to not associate the song with his current life.

It didn't work.

* * *

 

Jared was not shaping up to have a good first day. He'd barely gotten any sleep the previous night and he kept zoning out that morning. His parents had mentioned something about it being a new year and being optimistic or something like that. It inspired no optimism in Jared. _New school year, same shitty school, same shitty classmates._ He hadn't really gotten breakfast before he walked out the door. He just wanted to go to school and get the day over with. He carefully avoided his other classmates as he walked through the halls. He wanted to avoid everyone.

A little ways down the hall, Alana Beck had just finished some lengthy and dumb anecdote, walking away to reveal Evan Hansen. _Almost everyone_. Jared noticed the cast on his arm and internally sighed in relief. He had heard Evan had landed in the hospital over the summer. He was so glad when he'd heard it was only a broken arm. And he was almost happier now that he saw the proof that Evan was ok.

Almost.

"Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider that an honor?" Jared didn't know why he said half the shit that he did. The only explanation was he was an asshole.

"Wait, what? I didn't—I wasn't… doing that."

Jared doubled down. "Paint me the picture: you're in your bedroom, you've got Zoe Murphy's Instagram up on your weird, off-brand cell phone…"

"That's not what happened, obviously, I was, um, well I was climbing a tree and I fell." Jared eyed him skeptically.

"You fell out of a tree? What are you, like, an acorn?" Jared relished in being an asshole to most of his classmates, but Evan was different. Evan was an easier target, but that just made it so much worse. And yet he was unable to stop.

"Well, I was—I don't know if you know this, but I worked this summer as an apprentice park ranger at Ellison State Park." Jared had known this. His mother mentioned it at the beginning of the summer. He had feigned disinterest so she would move on to something else. "I'm sort of a tree expert now. Not to brag, but…" Jared stared at him, his expression unchanged. He hated that he thought it was cute the way Evan had said that. "Anyway, I-I tried to climb this, this forty-foot-tall oak tree."

"And then you fell…?" Jared felt like this story could've had a much darker ending.

"Well—except, it's a funny story, because there was this solid twenty minutes after I fell when I just lay there on the ground waiting for someone to come and get me—any second now, I kept saying to myself, any second now, here they come!"

"Did they?" Jared knew the answer.

"No, nobody came, that’s the—that's what's funny," Evan said it like it was a joke. But it clearly wasn't.

"Jesus Christ…"

"How was, um, what did you do for the—you had a good summer?"

Jared wanted to tell the truth, how it felt like his life was falling apart, how his entire summer sucked, how much he hated everything and everyone, but most importantly, how he hated himself and why he hated himself and how whenever he talked to Evan it felt like the worst mixture of butterflies and stones in his stomach. He wanted to tell this to somebody, anybody.

Except Evan.

"Well, my bunk dominated in capture the flag and I got to second base below the bra with this one girl from Israel who's going to, like, be in the army…" He let the confidence of his false story sink in. "So, yeah, hopefully that answers your question." He began walking away. He had a class to get to, and he could hardly stand talking to Evan anymore.

"Do you want to sign my cast?" Jared turned back around.

"Why are you asking me?"

"Well, just, I thought—because we're friends…?" Evan's voice was almost hopeful. Jared knew he should be nice. Jared wanted to sign the cast, treat Evan nicely just once. But that's not who he was.

"We're family friends. That's like a whole different thing and you know it." He punched Evan in the arm. It was harder than a joking punch, but soft enough to not hurt him. "Hey, tell your mom, to tell my mom that I was nice to you, or else my parents won't pay for my car insurance." Evan nodded meekly.

"I will." Just once, Jared wanted Evan to get angry, say no, stand up for himself, top letting Jared walk all over him. Just once, Jared wanted Evan to resist being treated like a doormat by him. Maybe then Evan could be confident, maybe Jared wouldn't have to be embarrassed of who he was around Evan, he wouldn't have to be embarrassed of who he was in general, he wouldn't have to be embarrassed of his feelings—

Connor Murphy came into view. And Jared needed a new outlet for the frustration he had thought himself into.

"Hey, Connor, I'm loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic." Connor glared at Jared, and in that moment, he knew he had fucked up. He had to backtrack, and quickly at that. "I was kidding. It was a joke." He didn't know Connor well. They had had nearly a dozen classes together since second grade and he knew nothing about Connor, other than Evan had a crush on his sister.

"Yeah, no, it was funny," Connor deadpanned. "I'm laughing. Can't you tell?" Jared just looked at Connor, unsure what to say or do. "Am I not laughing _hard enough_ for you?" He did know one other thing about Connor: that he would lose in a fight to him.

Jared laughed nervously. "You're such a freak." He turned and walked away from Evan and Connor, trying to hide his fear, his guilt, his shame, all these negative emotions he'd tried to repress. Why did he have to talk to Evan? Why couldn't he just phase Evan out entirely?

 _Because he's the one thing that I don't hate about my life_.

* * *

It had been a rough first day back. His encounter with Evan sabotaged by his own demeanor of false bravado, only to have that bravado evaporate after coming close to Connor Murphy, he couldn't much focus on what happened the rest of the day. Apparently, Evan had actually run into Zoe at some point, and just the thought of Evan and Zoe together… He knew he should be ok with Evan going after Zoe. Hell, he would encourage it if he and Evan were actually friends. But the idea of them actually being together… something felt very off about it in a way Jared couldn't articulate.

It was late. The sun had set long ago, and he was lying on his bed looking at his phone. He didn't want to listen to any of his music right now. He knew it would only make him sad. And he didn't need that right now. But he was already sad. He needed to sleep. And he needed to let himself feel something… anything, other than the fake confidence that had long vanished. He selected the one song he knew he shouldn't listen to, and closed his eyes.

> _So I'll remain_
> 
> _Within your reign_
> 
> _Until my thoughts can travel somewhere new_

Jared tried to think of something else, anything else. He thought of camp. He thought of Maureen, Ezra, Ellie, and all of his camp friends. He thought of second base below the bra with some girl from Israel, and how both of them had realized something important in that moment. He thought of walking around the campground the last day with Ezra, uncharacteristically quiet. He thought of coming out to Ezra by the river, of Ezra hugging him, of trying not to cry because even though he knew Ezra would accept him it was a terrifying first step. He thought of capture the flag. He thought of winning, no, _dominating_. He thought of feeling hollow immediately after.

> _My mind is blind to everything but you_

He thought of how that game would've take place right around when Evan broke his arm.

> _And I wonder if you wonder about me too_

Jared was tired of thinking. Jared was tired of feeling. Jared was tired. He wiped a tear from his eye, tried his best to think of nothing, and replayed track 4.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey I finally got around to writing this! It's a little short, but I think it works for this fic. Just posting to let you guys know I haven't forgotten about the AWE universe, I've just been busy with life ~~and my other fics sorry~~ but I do plan on writing more. I do want to write another Jared-centric fic taking place right after chapter 21 and a Zoe-centric fic taking place sometime before the "epilogue" (chapter 22). If you want to know more abt these fics, please feel free to ask me abt them on tumblr, my username is official-didney-worl-elmo and i love receiving comments abt AWE! Thank you so much for your patience, sorry it took so long to get this fic up, and I hope you like it!


End file.
